September 4, 2018: I've been really sad

My mom suggested, rightfully so, that my blog is not completely truthful because I come across much happier here than I really am, and it is not my intention to deceive anyone so here is my attempt at a more truthful post.

I woke up feeling sad. I think it's because I am usually alone in the house when I wake up and no sunlight enters the house because of the angle of our windows and the tall buildings that surround the house. I ate breakfast and then ran and the run was mostly without pain but still felt awkward at times. This worries me a lot. I've been doing physical therapy for over 3 weeks, have barely run in 6 weeks, and have seen such little progress. It sucks.

I then went to the park to work out with Carlos. The man pictured above is not Carlos but whatever he was doing was impressive so I took a photo. Working out was great and we talked about maybe going to Rosedal on Friday. After parting ways, he texted me something about how it was nice seeing me and continued to be way too flirtatious and insistent and it was very uncomfortable and I straight up told him to stop... twice. So now I'm slightly uncomfortable for the next time I see him and that's a shame because it could've been a good friendship and now I honestly feel unsafe. So if I meet up with him again I will bring a friend. Hopefully things are normal and this won't be something I have to worry about.

I came home, showered, and then ran some errands. I went to a fotocopiadora to print out some articles for class and that was my first time using a flash drive! It was very easy and only 9 pesos. Then I went to a dietética and got all of this for 92 pesos (about $2.42)!!!! You can't really tell but there's a ton of dried banana slices under all the maní japonés (cracker nuts). The woman actually gave me the wrong nuts because I pointed to the almonds but it's all gucci because these were really good too. They'll last me at least a week... or a very hungry 3 days. I then sat in the sun and read for a bit and then I headed to the subway for class.

I'm going to write a more detailed post on this soon, but education in Argentina is a very big deal right now. They have free public education but all the teachers are on strike because they are not paid enough. Therefore, they have been teaching classes on the street or in the cafeteria or really anywhere besides a classroom. So today we had class in the cafeteria and I actually really enjoyed it. I have NO idea what we talked about though because it was so specific to Argentine history that there was no way I could follow along. Click through all of the photos below to see classes being taught in the street / how they blocked off the street so cars can't get through. It's really cool.

I came home after class and Facetimed my mom and cried the entire time. We talked about how I'm unhappy here and not handling the adjustment well at all. Honestly, I feel incredibly isolated, I feel frustrated that I'm navigating my second language and can't speak as accurately and with such nuanced words as I want, and mostly I feel mad at myself for putting myself in isolating situations, expecting too much from people, trying to control the people around me, and being so helpless instead of making a change.

I'm going to try to initiate more socializing. I didn't initiate any when I first got here, which is understandable because I didn't know any places to go and didn't know how to get around. That's not an excuse anymore and I need to make plans if I don't want to spend these 20ish weeks alone in my room. I'm going to try to take more responsibility for how I feel because I can't change the people around me or the situation I'm in. And I sure as hell don't want to look back on this experience and say I was miserable the whole time. That is why I include little happy details of my day in these blog posts. I'm not trying to pretend like I'm happy all the time, but I am trying to recognize the little things that make my days better. For example the kind man on the train today who asked me if I wanted the open seat and when I said he should have it he said, "Clarooo porque yo soy viejo!" (Obviously, cuz I'm old!!) He was funny and kind and cheered me up a little bit.

Anyway, at dinner I also cried a lot because I told Laura how I was feeling. She was more or less receptive. She said I can always come and talk to her and she will listen and that was nice to hear. She also told me, in other words, that I am digging my own grave. That if I don't want to pay the 12 pesos for a bus ride to be with my friends that I am choosing to be alone. (I want to clarify that that is true, but I also do live inconveniently far from my friends and living closer would immensely minimize my isolation.) She did bring up switching houses though so I'm thinking that maybe I could switch houses and still have a close relationship with her since at least she wouldn't be blindsided by it and would understand partly why I moved.

The great news is that I've cried so much today that my eyes are so f-ing tired that it'll be hard not to fall asleep immediately. I hope I haven't scarred you all with the reality of my day and that I haven't been deceptive with my previous posts.

Song Recommendation of the Day: "Life's What You Make It" by Talk Talk